Ugh. I'm sorry I never come on here. These days I'm a big loser who doesn't do anything. I decided to go back to school and learn Esthetics. It's been like, 3 months and I regret it totally. I'm a hairdresser, not an esthetician, and I should have known better....
I'm trapped in a stupid apartment that's too small. Or well, it was fine, but then my boyfriend moved in. He's been making me murderous lately. I don't know if it's just because it's winter and I hate the snow, or whether he's actually at fault.
I bought a new sketchbook though. (However, it's pretty much empty, because he's always around, making it so I can't draw. Ugh.)
He went to art school for a year, so I think he thinks he's some sort of authority or something and can critique me without invitation whenever he feels like it? Don't know, don't really care.
I hate going to school, because it's just too boring. I like what I'm learning, it's just too slow for me and so I end up spending 6 hours there everyday learning what I could have learned on my own in two hours. Frustrating, but I will finish the course because it's a lot of money to go, and once I'm finished, I can get a job at a better salon.
So some days, understandably, I don't want to go. In fact, I feel violently disgusted by the idea of going, so I don't. He seems to think this is "laziness", when in all actual fact, I don't give a shit and I don't feel like going there, so I don't.
I have paid the rent for this stupid apartment for the past 4 months. He should be paying half, he hasn't. That's the equivalent of 1150.00$. I don't even want to live here anymore, but I'm stuck because he's here now.
We have too much stuff to fit here, and all the ways I do things are messed up because he does them differently. Mind you, I've been living here for a year and a couple months before he even moved in. I have my routines. I know where I keep things.
Since I'm in school full time, I'm not working and I'm living off of Student Loans. I'll owe the government almost 20,000.00 by the time I'm finished school. He works at Blockbuster full-time. That's probably about 40 hours a week. I'm in school for 37 hours a week. So it's the same idea, except I'm not making money.
He seems to think that I don't understand that he works so hard all day putting movies away, while I'm at school 8:30 in the morning, filing fucking corns off of old people's feet. I'd understand him using this rationale if he was working 40 hours a week to pay for something.... however, he just uses the money on cigarettes and other personal expenses. And sometimes he gives me change for the laundry. How nice of him! Then bitches at me because I apparently just wash my own clothes and never his....
UGH! And most of the time, he's completely reasonable about things, but recently, it seems to be going more along the lines of disrespectful and rude.
I didn't have cigarettes, so I asked him for one of his. He told me I didn't deserve it for being so lazy, but threw it at me anyway... SOUND LIKE PARADISE TO YOU?! Not to mention, our friends were in the house! In the same room, for god's sakes.
So they know he's an asshole too. How embarassing. More so for me, because as it becomes increasingly more apparent, he doesn't care.
Last night, things were going nicely. I called him probably 9 times from the bus stop where I thought I'd wait for him after getting some groceries, he didn't answer. Turns out, when I got home, he had gotten a drive home from one of our friends. No reason why he didn't answer the phone though.
We ate. Things were good. Then he just decided to watch a movie. HE DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T LIKE TO WATCH TELEVISION. IT PISSES ME OFF, I HATE IT. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'VE GIVEN UP MY WILL TO LIVE.
Yet almost every single night, we are watching some stupid movie. Movies are not real. The people in them ARE NOT REAL. They don't matter. All that matters about movies is that you can talk about them to other people who have seen them.
"Did you see the part where he jumped off a burning car?"
"Yes, it was awesome. Too bad the entire thing is a fabricated piece of shit. I hope people didn't get hurt for our entertainment. "
UGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
And it doesn't matter if you've seen them or not. Because you can watch them over and over and over and over. It's pure insanity. He can't possibly enjoy it. He must just do it because he doesn't know what else to do.
I understand that people can like movies. He can watch a movie if he likes, but why does it have to be in the time slot where I can't logically be somewhere else? I have to go to school in the morning, I hardly ever get to bed on time anyway.
Why can't he say, let's make something. Or, let's go somewhere. Let's invite someone over? LET'S JUST TALK AND SPEND TIME WITH EACH OTHER, RATHER THAN STARE AT A FUCKING BOX FOR TWO HOURS WITH MINIMAL CONVERSATION?!
There's no room in this goddamn place. If I don't want to see him, I have no choice but to go to sleep. The only escape from any bullshit is going to sleep. THIS MAY EXPLAIN WHY I LIKE SLEEPING SO MUCH. Another state of consciousness is an excellent place to hide from reality...
He made a comment right before I went back to school about how he didn't think I was very thankful for him. He was actually serious. He made references to paying for things like cigarettes, cover for events, etc. I don't think he's done any math regarding the situation. Let's see him come up with a list of expenses totalling my student loan. Good luck, buddy.
As for me being lazy, his parents drive him back home every day after work. I cook him supper. He sleeps in until probably 10 or 10:30 every morning. Goes to work for 12. I do the laundry. I've given up doing the dishes because a) I hate them, and prefer to run the dishwasher. and b) he makes such an ungodly pile of them that it doesn't even make sense to bother, since there'll be more waiting when the first load is done.
One afternoon, I was cleaning, and I had taken down the shower curtain to scrub the soap scum off of it in the bathtub. Since the shower is being used double the amount of time it used to be, it gets hellishly gross, and it took me a good 20-25 minutes to get the stupid thing clean again. I even mentioned that it's an impossible job to hang it back up on the rings, hinting at the fact I could "SURE USE A HAND" but he didn't even bother. Just stayed in the living room, probably watching a movie.... I was so angry that I didn't even have a problem getting it back up again.
I don't know what's wrong, honestly. I don't think anyone else on earth would put up with shit like that. I don't even know how to start telling him all the reasons I'm angry. He obviously won't see it coming. I don't even want to be here when he gets home.
What the hell am I going to do?
Fancy Schtudiooo.
